Miloping

Unsolicited messages on Facebook lately. From strangers. Facebook tells me, “You have no mutual friends.” To that I breathe a sigh of relief.

And, then the random adds. Who are these people? Where have I been advertised? Not all unwanted, mind you. Some interesting, some head-turners, and the rest meh. But, all in all, too many. So I've replied one, or two. And on one early occasion, I decided to ask questions, a kind of initiation puzzle.

She sends an add request. And I begin: What is the ultimate answer to the ultimate question of life? 42, comes the reply.

By God they're smart today. Accepted.

So, now I mix things up a bit, turn it on its head Jeopardy-style and just send: 42. Then the other day, I got a reply: ????, obviously very confused; an additional three question marks type of confused. Ah, I had so much hope for you. Ignored.

Not all the questions reference nerd-lit. Sometimes I ask questions with no answers. “How do I shot web?”; “I can has cheezburger?” “lol wut?”

These were designed to measure internet literacy, a strong corollary of loneliness, and, the more controversial, low personal hygiene. I haven't been able to verify the links.

Admittedly, this whole concept of initiating potential friends is one taken from an old high school comrade I met over the Christmas. He said to gauge if someone is friend material you ask, “What's the difference between jelly and jam?”

“What?” I asked back.

And, he told me. But loudly, over the chatter of the bar and music, and louder still. A group of people beside us at the bar turned to look in our direction. We laughed.

And, if anybody knows what the answer is, and though it is incredibly lowbrow, I have to give you mad props for knowing the difference is “I can't jelly my cock up your arse.”

Terrible, I know. But, dugg for semantic accuracy.